Oromocto, NB – When Spencer Knight, once the proud saviour of the Oromocto Senators, returned from his battle with long-term COVID, fans hoped for a comeback. What they got instead was a charity event that will be remembered longer than his GAA this season.
The event? Spencer Knight’s Oromocto Senators Memorial Celebrity Post-COVID Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race for the Cure. A title so long, even the printer gave up halfway through the banner.
Knight, determined to prove he’s still got it—or at least something resembling it—decided the best way to raise awareness for long COVID sufferers was to organize a 5K charity run through downtown Oromocto. Team participation was mandatory. Fan participation was optional, but tragically over-attended.
“I just wanted to give back,” Knight said at the press conference, wearing a T-shirt two sizes too small that read ‘I Beat COVID So You Don’t Have To.’ He paired it with running shorts that can only be described as brave.
The event began with a pasta buffet at 10 a.m., hosted in the arena parking lot. Knight, misinterpreting a YouTube video titled ‘How to Carb Load Like a Pro’, ate an entire container of fettuccine alfredo moments before the starting pistol.
“I thought carbs gave you energy,” Knight explained mid-vomit behind a porta-potty at kilometre one.
Team captain Robert Thomas tried to be supportive but was seen immediately ducking into a nearby Tim Hortons drive-thru instead of running. “Look, I support Knight’s initiative,” Thomas said, “but not at the expense of my arches. Or my dignity.”
Meanwhile, goaltending coach Glen Lamoureux collapsed in a field after mistakenly believing Gatorade was banned for being “too commercial.” He attempted to hydrate by looking for snow but couldn't find any.
Marketing pitched the event as “a powerful metaphor for Knight’s return to the crease,” but it quickly became more Blair Witch Project than Rocky IV. Angela (the team cat, named in honour of The Office character) was carried in a baby Bjorn by team nutritionist Frankie Duchesne, who refused to leave her behind. Angela puked on three children.
Fans lined the streets with signs like “We Believe in Knight (Sort Of)” and “Please Don’t Cough On Me.” One child held a hand-drawn poster that read “Knight Fever: Catch the Comeback!” It was later burned for public health reasons.
Andrei Vasilevskiy, completed the run in rollerblades while holding a smoothie. He didn't sweat. He didn't stop. He didn't even look at Knight.
“He’s not human,” Knight muttered, staring into the distance like a man haunted by his own contract extension.
Knight crossed the finish line after 97 minutes and two ambulance checks. His final stretch was accompanied by the Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive”, blaring ironically from a Bluetooth speaker held by the team’s medical intern, who wore a hazmat suit just in case.
Post-race, the Senators held a press scrum in the parking lot, where Knight announced he had raised $147.32 and “a heck of a lot of awareness.”
When asked where the funds were going, he responded: “A portion goes to long-COVID research, and the rest... well, I need new skates. Mine squeak when I make glove saves. It's psychological.”
“I laughed, I cried, I gagged a little,” said local fan Brenda Millhouse. “But that’s what you want from a good charity run, right?”
Another fan, visibly sunburned and missing a shoe, asked, “Is this how you cure COVID? Because I feel worse.”
Children chased each other with used Kleenex “for awareness.” A grown man passed out in a clown costume. It was unclear if he was part of the event or a wandering metaphor.
Only time will tell whether Knight’s Fun Run will be remembered as the turning point in his comeback or the fever dream of a goalie grappling with his own mortality and Gatorade intolerance.
But one thing’s for sure: nobody who attended will forget the smell of hot alfredo in the midday sun.
Stay tuned next week when the Senators host a silent auction for explosive diarrhea research, chaired by assistant coach Carl “Chip” Gutierrez, who got the idea while watching this week’s run.
Because in Oromocto, you don’t need to be healthy to make history—just hydrated.
5/31/2025 - 684 words
