“If Spencer even sneezes too hard, we’re not taking any chances,” said GM Trent Gallant while adjusting an ice pack on his own shoulder. “We’ve already got his name pencilled in, but we keep the eraser close.”

Backing him up this season is Alexei Kolosov, whose availability depends largely on whether or not his eyebrows remain intact. Team insiders confirm Kolosov will be immediately scratched should he suffer “any upper-follicle trauma,” or if his favorite pre-game sandwich hits the floor again, as it did during training camp, prompting a three-day mental-health timeout.

The Senators’ depth chart doesn’t end there—veteran netminder Andrei Vasilevskiy, rumored to be considering retirement, will rotate in whenever either Knight or Kolosov is medically, emotionally, or spiritually unavailable. “Vasy might not know which role he’s playing from one day to the next,” Gallant admitted. “We told him to just bring both helmets and a good book.”

Despite what Gallant called “modestly catastrophic expectations,” the Senators have defied predictions with a surprisingly balanced 3-3-1 record seven games into Season 14. “Honestly, I’m shocked,” Gallant said. “I thought we’d be 0-7 with a few forfeits by now.”

Fans remain cautiously optimistic, though most have stocked up on bubble wrap and vitamin C for their goalies. “If Knight gets through a full week without needing an MRI,” one supporter noted, “we’re throwing a parade.”

The Senators next face Miramichi on Monday—assuming no one sprains a feeling before puck drop.